10 Marriage Lessons from 10 years of Marriage
We just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and I took some time to reflect on a hand full of lessons that have been important for us.
Welcome your spouse home
It sounds kind of strange, but drop everything you are doing (if possible), say hi, make eye contact, give them a hug. I started doing this about a year ago and it really does set the stage for being together at home after a work day. Bonus points if you do it with an excited attitude + voice. Like really be excited they are home and you get to see their face. Make sure they know you are glad they are there. Even if you don’t feel it, do it anyway. After doing this for a couple weeks you will become more excited to have them home.
Talk good about them + quit complaining about your spouse
Start telling everyone how great they are and celebrate the human you get to spend your life with. Even if you don’t always believe they are the best, talking like they are will make you, as the spouse, a lot happier. Focus on the negative and everything is negative. Focus on the positive and win. As we repeat the positive, it helps remind us how great the person we chose is.
Also, stop complaining about your spouse so much. You are the one who chose them, so doesn’t it make you look like the idiot if all you do is talk shit about them?
Go see a couples counselor
We were in a great spot in our marriage when we decided to hire a counselor for a few months We learned so much about the other and learned really valuable communication skills. She saw some of the breakdowns in the way we talk and understand the other and since having them pointed out, we interact so much better. Couples counseling does NOT have to be about your marriage failing. It can be a great way to have better tools in your toolbox. If you expect to spend a lifetime with a person, you can expect you’ll always have things to work on alongside that person.
Practice saying yes
So much of the time we get a new idea put in front of us and we want to jump to no. But so many new experiences and learning lessons are accomplished in the yes. Doing that with your spouse is so rewarding. Learning something new together. Taking risks together. Doing fun things together. Saying yes opens it up for a new kind of outlook on things.
Do things together
So many things in life are meant to be done together. Not to say you can’t do things solo, cause that is important. But know that if you have a spouse, it’s a partnership that you have committed to. The things you sign up for are no longer alone. Do more things together. Commit to a new diet, together. Workout together. Start a new business together. Whatever it may be, go on the journey together!
It’s not right. It’s not wrong. It’s just different.
This has been one of the best lessons we have learned together in the last 3 years. There was a topic we had been at a stale mate on since the first year we were together in 2008. Our counselor heard it and broke it down for us in the most easily digestible lesson for us both to grasp. It’s not right. It’s not wrong. It’s just different. This can be applied to a lot in a relationship. In this circumstance it was a differing on opinion of something and it all stems back to that we grew up in different households, with different values and different upbringings. What Matt’s parents taught them and did in their house was their version of melding together the way they were raised. What my parents taught me growing up is a different melding together of the way they were raised. Neither of these ways were wrong, but understanding they are different from one another is an incredible thing to keep in mind. When you get into your own marriage, it’s up to you two to decide what is best for you both and take it easy on the other if something is different. Recognize it. Talk about it. Make your own path.
Where your spouse is, is home
In 2023 we decided to sell the house we had dreamed of for 9 years. We lived on a great lake property for 6 years and had a great discussion that it was time for new goals and dreams. We both felt like it was the right time for us to move on. So we sold our house and have opted to move around according to Matt’s work for awhile. We currently bounce around between furnished rentals in the Twin Cities or if one of our furnished rentals is open we may opt to stay there. We get asked a lot if we miss our house or feel like we don’t have a home because of how often we are moving around. Matt said it best when he told someone that home is where Tanya is. I feel the same way. I don’t care where we live, as long as he is with me. We can make anything into our home with a few creature comforts and a spot for us to be together.
Keep a list in your phone
When your spouse mentions something they love or a concert they would love to see someday or a place they want to go, write it down in a note on your phone. You will stress less when it comes to gift giving for their Birthday + the holidays.
Buy experiences
We have focused more on gifting experiences rather than just gifts and it has been a game changer. Instead of buying shoes or a purse for a birthday, we prolong the gift by buying concert tickets out of state or a long weekend somewhere else for whatever dates work. We have enjoyed making memories and going through the pictures later, rather than buy something expensive for the other. We still do gift giving, it just might be all about an experience (concert t-shirt + tickets or similar).
Write to them
This one might be weird for people as well. If you know anything about me, you might know I like to write thank you cards. Sit down every once in awhile and write your spouse a thank you note, a letter, a post it note, whatever it might be. The written word has a really nice effect. If it’s tough for you, just tell them 5 things you love about them and instead of generic sentiments, put some thought into those 5 things. Words of appreciation have a seriously good effect.
